Buffers, Les élus

Do girls forget love easily?

At least three people I know got married or got into committed relationships less than six months of their break-up with ex-boyfriends. A friend seemed to find this surprising. I, on the other hand, think it’s natural since time in some relationships and their aftermath is an irrelevant element.

A girl just wants to feel loved

Do girls forget easy? Do they move on faster than their male counterparts? I don’t think that’s the right question to ask. The right one is: How much time and emotions did the girl invest before realizing she’s hit a brick wall and that she has to turn back? The answer is crucial. Because once that brick wall, that barrier against passion and emotions, is reached, there’s no point in remembering or forgetting. It just is and the girl accepts and turns her back to the one she loves.

A person close to me told me of an old love story. Of an ex-fiance’. For two years, she held on, fighting for him inside her heart despite flaws, enduring blow after blow to the extent that the man thought she’d never leave, no matter what he’d do. He can get away with anything, he thought. He even tried to make her jealous by flirting heavily with other women, or flaunting his female friendships in front of her. And she’d still accepted him. Until one day, she sent a long letter saying she’s leaving the relationship, sending her engagement band in the same envelope as the letter (that was around 40 years ago, mind you!). He laughed, and called it a bluff. It turns out it wasn’t. More than thirty years later, he confessed to close ones he always regretted taking her for granted, that he never forgot her and that she’d stayed in his heart ever since. He even said he often dreamt about her. Back then, numerous attempts to make her take him back failed — she didn’t even read the tens of letters he sent. They were thrown away unread. She had sworn to herself that he’d never see her face again, and he didn’t for many years.

So why does this happen?

Simply because a girl gives her all before she decides to give up. I’ve read that women are often reluctant to end a relationship even if they’re more miserable than their men. So they try to fix it. Once. Twice. Numerous times. But at a certain moment it reveals itself as “un-fixable” and there’s no way but out.

And “feelings” are also irrelevant in this affair.

It’s a Eureka moment; a sudden discovery that you’ve done your part, compromised, explained, left no path untaken, cried your eyes off, pleaded and implored, swallowed the pain, and there’s nothing else to be done. There’s no energy for more, even if you want to give more. Your resources are depleted, and you’re filled with peace — this peace that comes with letting go.

So the girl lets go, walks back slowly and smiles to herself because she’s at least tried. There are no regrets, just a calm serenity.

And moving on, a day later or 6 months on (it’s all the same), and accepting love from someone else becomes easy (and much needed), since at this stage, the girl is hungry for love and affection. And part of the beauty of love is having it returned — by both words and action.

It’s a simple fact, but men seem to ignore it: Many a girl loves a guy because he’s nice to her, not because he’s drop-dead gorgeous, a rock star or a rocket scientist (it’s about her, partly, not just him). She loves him because he makes her feel beautiful, without make up, on a bad hair day, even when her nose is red and her eyes are full of tears, even when she’s weary and tired and not in the mood, even when she’s gained a few pounds for whatever reasons, even when she’s stopped feeling it herself. And it has nothing to do with empty compliments, but very, very small things that make a huge difference.

Fights, even small ones, let-downs and bickering, and accumulations of “the small stuff,” can bring one down, and eventually take the relationship south, no matter how big the love is.

Here’s another fact: Love is not enough. We stay with others, because they have a capacity to always make us feel good about ourselves. When this stops happening, more often than not, we ride into the sunset. Without looking back.

Listening to: beautiful silence
Mood: contemplative
Wants from the Universe:  A man who treats me well, and makes me feel loved … who will also make me laugh and bring a smile to my face when I’m down. One who tells me I’m beautiful. One who says he’ll be there and keeps the promise.


9 thoughts on “Do girls forget love easily?”

  1. Fascinating I came across this today…. Working on an autoethnography/narrative piece about a volitile relationship I experienced from the time I was 17-20. Recently learned that after all these years, there may be some remorse felt by the other person, who for some time sucked me dry of life, confidence, strength, and so much more.

    Feel free to follow my progress and (hopefully) the narratives of others at http://thesmokeyglass.blogspot.com/

  2. this is beautiful beyond explanation … i have always wanted to explain this point … (that the girl reaches suddenly and so unexpectedly)… in words, on paper, in screams, in an eye opening talk but i was never able enough to explain cuz i feel so strongly about it. and here you illustrate it so smoothly, though i probably know what it may have taken u to be able to write this… thumbs up .. um sharing this on fb 🙂

  3. Thank you for your post about women and love. I think if I had known about women and their intense relationship with love, and its importance for them in, well, a relationship, I would still be married today.

    That was almost 13 years ago. Never too late to learn, I hope…

  4. i sometimes feel its up to me to fix things,i dont want to be rejected and hold on even though its not worth it, i feel i can go on , i feel what people are going to say ,i want my love life to be something good and what people would talk about. i cant go on like this im wasting too much time on someone thats not worth it. im moving on and im going to be happy again

  5. I recently had a break up after 1 n half year of relationship with a married woman though I am single. I am loyal and very loving to her never cheated neither she doubted that ever. We had a strong sexual relationship. Year ago in Jan’12 her husband got to know about our relationship and insisted her to be ended immediately. She convinced her husband that it was over but we still carried on nicely with all the fun and happiness. We use to work in the same organization so spent almost 11 hours with each other five days a week and couple of hours every Sunday. In Nov’12 things changed she was asked to resign from this company and had to leave. It was a dissaster for her of loosing her job over night and more of being away from me. In a months time she took up another job (PS All this while she was at home spending more time with her husband). We still use to meet up every day while droping her to office. She wasnt happy with her new job so she kept complaining to me to search for another job where we can be together. Honestly I tried but nothing would suite our needs. We had our last intercourse in Feb’13 since then she had some pain in her vagina so we stopped and one fine day she said we wouldnt have any physical relationship hence forth which I accepted cos being with her with love was more than enough for me to live happily. In March we went for shopping and had a very small quarel, next day she calls and says we need to end this relationship as she realized that she is again breaking her husbands trust who has given her a chance to live in the same house with her kid. She had that insecurity built that her husband would know about this again and this time she wouldnt have the chance to safe her house and family. I pleaded her to keep in contact and meet up on alternate days which she agreed to. It went on for 3 weeks when I got pissed off by the way she behaved to me like a stranger or as a distant friend when she said we cant survive this way and need to be without contact. So end of March we went No contacts for 3 days and on the 4th day I get a call from her stating she misses me and loves me a lot cried over the phone and hung up. Next day I went to see her when she again spoke about her husband thats when I asked her to clarify whether we are in a relationship or not. Weired to say but she said we do not have any relation we are just friends. I moved out from there telling her that I would wait for her but we do not need to see or contact each other. She agreed and next day sends me a blank email. 3 days passed and no contact so I paid her mobile bill which she got a notification and called me to ask if I did it and we quarelled over the phone. Later I convinced her to be friends and keeping in touch she agreed to. It went on smoothly for about 18 days when she calls to meet up since she needed some favor from me. I met her for like 25 mins and dropped her home she had got me cookies help my hand and said take care. Before this meeting we spoke daily over the phone and smsd few msgs. On Apr 22nd I had guts to ask her if she wanted a realtionship with me but she denied it. I admitted that I have a very strong feelings and I cant prentend to be Mr. Nice guy. She said cant offer any thing more than this so I requested her not to be in contact cos I didnt wanted to be her friend forever. I can say she loves me and misses me. It may sound little funny but she is not eating Mangoes cos she shared it last year with me and I bought many for her last year. I insisted her to have it assuming that I am there to share with her so she agreed that but only if I buy her mangoes but that day didnt come yet. Its been 3rd we havent spoked to each other. I doubt she would contact me now and I would get her back. All my wardrobe is filled with the stuff that she has bought for me from hat to shoes a gold ring perfumes wallet belt accessories any thing you name it, got nothing of my own. I miss her badly and want her back. guys if you cant help other means atleast pray for me..

    1. It is a completely different situation for me yet the outcome is identical — she turned her back on me without any explanation. I was forced to review and replay all of the times we were together in hopes of locating something I said, something I did that would account for her sudden dismissal.
      Our relationship was only a few weeks old and didn’t progress beyond the talking, sharing histories, likes and dislikes. We kissed lightly, hugged one another, talked about activities and places we might go in the future. The times together were fun, and light, the air of passion was about us, but because of situations we knew it could go any farther — at least not at this time.
      She is divorced with grown kids, I am in the process with grown kids, nonetheless I am not a single man.
      We also work together, in the same department. and, though we do, I believe we both felt we could have fun, go places together after work.
      Then, there was a evening of dancing, singing, and partying that eventually transpired into some very passionate kissing, but nothing more.
      The next two days, she would not reply to my attempts to contact her. When we finally did talk (over the phone) she said only that our relationship from here on needed to be completely professional, no activities outside of work.
      What makes life difficult for me now is that she seems to have turned off the interest switch. We work together and do so quite well, but I am the one who extends the helping hand. I am the one who supports her, encourages her, defends her, assists her.
      It’s painfully difficult not to continue being very interested in her.
      My past is littered with numerous examples of not saying what I felt then wishing with considerable regret that I had said what I was feeling.
      This time around I did, though not in a one-on-one face-to-face conversation. Nonetheless, I received no acknowledgement, no response. It was work as usual.
      I can understand the feelings of loss anyone who has similar experiences.
      Through it all I think I am learning some lessons:
      Don’t fall too fast and too deeply for a co-worker, especially if your work environment is small;
      Don’t try to be unmarried until you truly are;
      Don’t allow yourself to believe that you are the one who bears all of the burden and memories — she does too.
      My best wishes for your eventual happiness.

    2. In the end you were messing with a married person! You’re basically playing with fire, why would you try to destroy a relationship like that? She’s has a kid and husband. Now you can’t forget her? That’s your fault for screwing with a married girl. I hope she gets dumped.

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